Bradfields’ Brain

Recently I’ve developed a squeaky trainer, the left trainer of my favourite white trainers. It never used to squeak, it just started one day when it rained and hasn’t stopped since. Initially I was able to just shift my weight slightly to the outside and it would stop but now those days are gone. It just squeaks….all the time.

This morning my Walkman ran out of battery on the way to work. This meant that I had to listen to the squeak of my trainer. It’s one thing making the rest of the world listen to my squeak as I walk to work in the morning but for me to have to listen to it is a different matter altogether, that’s just plain rude.

It is also impacting on my plans to start a second career as a cat burglar.

A little while ago I wrote about a mystery product, today I’m writing about a product that isn’t quite what it seems.

Can you guess what it is yet??

So, it’s long, it’s made of plastic, and it comes in a variety of colours. It is also very phallically shaped, has smooth ends and a ribbed middle. Hmm, what could it be???

I’m assuming that from the title and my first sentence you’ve all established that this isn’t a dildo, which is blatantly what it looks like, and you’d be right. What it really is could potentially be another product to sell to the new yuppy breed I was talking about yesterday.

Imagine the scene, you get to work after an arduous journey on the bus / tube / tram / whatever, and unpack your bag onto your desk. You’ve got a heavy schedule on and your bag contains books and folders along with yor laptop and your gym kit. It’s a big bag!! You get right to the bottom and stop in disbelief, “It’s happened again!!” you shout out to your colleagues. “Every damn day the same thing. Why can’t someone stop this?!? Ciao!! The humanity!”.

Yes, it’s true, your banana has been battered and bruised again.

Bananas get squashed. Fact.

But no more will your banana have to suffer. The end to all your misery is here.

Ladies and gentlemen. I introduce the Banana Guard

No, I don’t believe it either.

Once upon a time, in order to be a Yuppy, there was a checklist you had to follow:

• Carry around some stupidly large diary containing a section for every conceivable piece of information about you life.
• Say Ciao as much humanly possible
• Dress is work attire all the time even if you aren’t at work.
• Jeans are acceptable if worn with a blazer.

Nowadays it seems all you have to do is drink some stupidly flavoured tea, really….that’s it.

I’m not a Yuppy, I’m not writing this because I’m upset that the classic view of a yuppy is being jaded by this new breed, it just ticks me off that all of a sudden it has become kind of “hip” to drink rank smelling, rank tasting hot fruity piss water.

“It tastes nicer than regular tea” they say. “It doesn’t leave a fuzziness in my mouth and I just don’t want the caffiene”

“Bollox, bollox, stop being such a pussy” I reply.

As it was quite clearly stated in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - “The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea” and that was normal tea, probably PG Tips, not Redbush, or detox tea, or green tea or Cherry Chargers. Got it??

What the fuck is the deal with Redbush anyway? It sounds like something out of a ginger porn movie not a tasty infusion to enjoy with or without milk.

I give up!!

The tea selection in my office. And that’s without the real tea!!

So here we are, www.bradfieldsbrain.com/blog is born!! I’ve been meaning to move my blog for ages but was imspited today after forking out £60 for my hosting renewal. Whether or not it will inspire me to actualy get back into the habit of blogging remains to be seen but it’s a start I guess.

I’ve managed to drag all my posts across from the old blog (which is still there for now) but all the times are a bit weird. I’m using Wordpress now which is something a bit new to me but I expect any teething problems to get worked out over the next year or so 80)

Sit back, relax, check when you can be arsed and then enjoy!!

And if I do manage to do some blogging, don’t be shy, get the comments rolling in!!

Ok, ok, so yeah, it has been ages since I posted….again. I’ve got a million and one excuses but none of them are worth hearing. But here I am, about to blog for the first time in 2007 so lets have a little bit of appreciation please!!

Let’s have a little catch up on the months gone by

Jurassic 5 - the daddies

Mmm, pie!!!

A table, it really doesn’t get more exciting than this

The Sunshine Underground - check out the quality of that shot

December, time to do some washing!

It’s Christmas time, and the office dog is dressed up. Just like most office parties.

9:30pm, the day I finished work for Christmas

A christmas card, from Smithers I believe

My pooch, in an unorthodox sleeping position

Drunk again…it is the New Year after all!

I use a browser plugin called StumbleUpon quite a bit. It adds a little button to your browser that takes you to a random website that someone else had recommended each time you click it. This is a pretty good way to discover new sites and find amusing articles that you would never have otherwise found.

While stumbling this afternoon I was sent on a little journey to this site

Click here to view site

which is selling a rather bizarre product.

Unfortunately the site is in German and so I have no idea why there is a picture of a vibrator attached to an iPod. Perhaps one of my German blogging friends can enlighten us all!!

Last night while out drinking with my work mates I witnessed a strange event. We were sat in a bar, called O Bar, that has two levels and the stairs come down into the main bar where we were drinking.

So, all of a sudden there was a loud crash a we just saw a guy fall, from about half way up the stairs, down onto the floor. It looked like he’d landed on his head and there was a half sympathetic groan from most of the people sat around. The guy got up, rubbed his head a bit and went about his business claiming to be ok. His mates were having a good old chuckle about it and so with everyone healthy and no blood spilt on the floor we carried on with our night out.

About quarter of an hour later I crossed paths with one of the friends of the guy who had fallen. “Is your mate ok?” I asked, “That really looked like it hurt!”

The friend, who was wearing a fantastic, chequered, lumberjack style shirt I must add, just laughed.

“That’s his party trick!” he said “He just chucks himself down stairs for fun.”

I just looked at the guy in disbelief

“He’s much better when he’s wearing his slippy shoes you know” the friend added as he left.

Wonders never cease!

Tonight I am going out for dinner and drinks with colleagues from work. Tonight it is actually someone’s leaving do, but at the company where I work we do tend to go out at the end of every month just for a bit of a get together. I find this a good thing to do but in general it does seem like something that happens less and less. People who work together seem less inclined to hang out together outside office hours and to some people the thought of getting drunk with the people they work with is positively intimidating or boring - who wants to spend a night out talking shop right?!? The first time I went out with my boss I managed to get seriously drunk and have a go at him about how much he paid me, I don’t even really remember doing this but it worked as I got a pay rise and two years later I’m still working in the same place so I did something right!!

So, do you drink with your boss??

Do you worry about getting into trouble for your behaviour on a night out and therefore avoid going out with work buddies at all?

Are your work mates just dicks and not people you want to be seen with?

I’d be interested to hear what you have to say!

Earlier this year the whole nation was converted to “Chip and PIN”. For those unaware, this was the scheme which stopped shops using the magnetic strip on the back of your bank cards and your completely unique signature and replaced it instead with a little chip and a four digit code to use instead.

At the time there were adverts everywhere telling you how it was going to make your money more secure, how it was going to make sure your identity was harder to steal and how it would help you keep that athletes foot problem under control.

But, as I was using the cash point this morning I saw a little sticker on top of the cash machine saying “WATCH OUT: Who’s looking over your shoulder?? PIN thieves operate in this area” and it got me thinking. Have we just made it easier for people to steal from us?

Now, instead of having to forge someone’s signature to use their card in a shop, all you need to do is know their PIN. OK, so it was always possible to steal someone’s card and then withdraw money from their bank if you knew their PIN, but if you were going to go in a shop you’d at least have to have the balls to have a go at the signature and face the risk of getting busted. I myself was once working in a shop when a young lad tried to pay for some goods using some lady’s credit card. Fortunately, being the astute individual I am, I noticed this and refused to let him use the card - these days you don’t even have to hand the card to the shop assistant in most cases.

People who have more than one card are also quite likely to use the same PIN for every card. Banks tell you not to do this, but I reckon there are still a lot of people who do. In an age where you have to remember so many passwords and secret words already, how many people really want to rememeber three or four different PINs as well? This means if someone watches you at a cash point, gets your PIN, nicks you wallet and heads off shopping they’re quite able to acquire several grand off you if you’ve got a credit card or two.

And, how much easier is it for these people to steal you PIN considering you now have to stand and type it in in front of a queue of people every time you use your card in a shop!!

I don’t know, there must be some logic somewhere, but it doesn’t make sense to me.

Today was Guy Fawkes night here in England, a time when we celebrate some dude getting busted for trying to blow up a load of politicians. Quite why we celebrate this I don’t know. Maybe if the guy had succeeded I could see the real appeal!!

These days the meaning of the whole thing seems to have been a little forgotten and it is more just a chance for the Chinese to import a shit load of dodgy fireworks and for irresponsible shopkeepers to sell them to ten year old kids so that they can go and fire them in each others faces. For several days around Guy Falkes night it sounds a bit like Beirut with explosions going off every few seconds along with sirens as the ambulances race to pick up the mutilated children.

Myself and a few friends indulged in a little of the firework fun ourselves as well as having a kickass bonfire, which helped to keep us warm along with the Stella and whiskey we consumed.

The fireworks purchased were not the most expensive available (buy one box get one box free at Tesco) but this contributed to the enjoyment of the evening as we got to laugh at the way some of them were absolutely pathetic. The rockets in particular shot of with a huge whoosh which you expected to be followed by a deafening bang. In reality I could probably have made a louder noise by clapping.

Here are some photos of the event. I’ll leave the pictures pictures to do the talking as I’m sure you’ll agree they are of the highest quality and need no explanation!!